More half assed explanations from Orci and Kurtzman

Podcast of these two idiots trying to address the obvious problems with the new movie

The original post I stumbled across

Why time travel?

We didn't wanna tell a story where everyone knows what happens.

So instead we'll tell a story in a universe where it's been established time and time again when you alter the timeline you have to make things right again somehow or THIS UNIVERSE SHOULD NOT EXIST. But, since we remade the universe, we threw that rule out. We're too cool for your nerdy conventions.

Coindicences on hoth.

Just to refresh you on what those coincidences are:

1.Nero stranding Spock on hoth.
2.Spock stranding Kirk on Hoth.
3.Scotty being exiled to Hoth.
4.Spock knowing the calculations that would get Scotty and Kirk back to the enterprise.

Their cop out reason for all these coincidences?

Because time and space itself wants to correct itself by bringing Kirk and Spock together.

So it works on the unconscious minds of everyone in it to try and fix everything up.

Because even the new universe knows; THIS UNIVERSE SHOULD NOT EXIST. And you don't even have to be Guinan to know it.

We're still too cool for your nerdy conventions, even though we threw the rules out we're still trying to obey them in our half assed way. Because everything we do is half assed.

And with two such enormous asses, you'd expect a lot more than just a half of one.

The corvette and wanton destruction of a 300 year old artifact.

Because we wanted to establish what everyone knows; Kirk is a badass. But we wanted to do it with a big fisty ham that makes him look like a sociopathic little dickweed instead.

Oh and we tried to establish that his step dad was the real dick. Meaning his mom is a fucking retard and an obviously horrible mother for letting her husband be such a dick to her FIRST BORN CHILD (who's father, by the way, in case you forgot the scene that was just shown, was tragically killed and may need extra love and attention... maybe).

It also implies she's a horrible judge of character; meaning Kirks real dad was probably also a dick, or at least it's fairly safe to presume so judging from his moms track record. He just happened to have one crowning moment of glory before he died, y'know, to redeem himself vis a vis, Vader.

We really wanted to reiterate that the new-kirk, like the new-coke, left a bad taste in real trekkies mouths by leaving no uncertainies that he was BORN to be a total douchebag.

Further subtext: because we're actually star wars fans, so suck it.

The big gorge in Iowa?

Uh, that's er uh... That's a quarry.

Because in the future, huge megalithic monuments are built on a regular basis and they require huge quarries to be dug that are thousands of feet deep and nearly a mile wide and stretch on for several miles long, looking like gorges instead of quarries.

Iowa of course has the best stones to build 23rd century pyramids with.

Further subtext; holy shit these trekkies are fucking nerds, we never even thought about that! Iowa doesn't have gorges! Fuck me, next time we write about a location we should consult... what are those things? Maps? Christ I didn't even know where Iowa was before they brought that one up!

No one mentions the biggest offense in this scene; NOKIA?

In the words of MacReady: Yeah, fuck you too!

Families on board?

Ok so they didn't have families on board starships until the 24th century... so why WAS Kirks momma on the Kelvin?

Because Kirks momma was also a starfleet officer.

Who was on active duty still, 9 months into her pregnancy.

These guys are brilliant! What a fool I was to doubt their writing prowess!

The doozy: 25 year wait?

First off; at least 28 years. Pay attention to your own movie, thanks.

You're gonna LOVE this one.

Ahem. I'm serious, I'm not making this up, they filmed the scenes and everything!

Ok... I have to compose myself because this is just such ... you be the judge. Ready?

The Kelvin, a ship approximately 1/100th the size the Narada (if that, I'm being generous, by at least an order of magnitude, to the Kelvin) Rammed the retardedly huge death sta.. er... Narada, and damaged it SO badly... that a Klingon convey happened by and took Nero and his crew as prisoners.

And then threw them into a prison camp.

And it took them 25 years to escape.

When they did, they took their ship back and blew up 47 klingon vessles.

So yeah... The Klingons either took 25 years to repair the Narada, and didn't pick up any of it's advanced technology and integrate it into any of those 47 warships, nor thought about using it as a warship themselves... Because why would a warrior society think of such things...

Tactics, strategy, and technological advantages have no place in war!
Every Klingon knows that.

Or: after escaping a Klingon gulag the stalwart Romulan miners repaired the ship that had been sitting around DERELECT for 25 friggin' years, and blew up 47 warships.

Ahem.

Oh, that makes so much more sense than them just waiting around for 28 years doing nothing. Thanks for clarifying.

Uhura is Spocks sex toy? Uhura and Spock? Really?

Because Orci and Kurtzman never before saw Star Trek when they finished the script. Oh, wait that's not their answer.

Because Spock and Uhura flirted in the show. And, since Uhura was a smart, mature woman they felt she'd gravitate to a more intellectually mature man.

OH.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

All the time, yup, I remember that, they were ALWAYS flirting, it was episode... er... and then uh... and that one time with that kiss... wait that was Kirk...

WTF.

Wait.

Uhura WAS smart and mature, and knew how to handle herself... in the original series. In the movie she was bright, sure. And she knew how to handle herself too; but in a more manipulative way.

No? Refresh me, how'd she get onto the enterprise? It wasn't by using her blatant physical charms and her influence on HER TEACHER THAT SHE WAS FUCKING was it?

No no, it was because she was so smart and mature. I'm the moron for assuming she was just sleeping her way to the job of her choosing because that's how it looked.

I missed the subtext.

She's not a ho, she's a post modern feminist.

Like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilara and the Pussycat Dolls.

And of course, a smart intelectually mature woman will OBVIOUSLY gravitate towards that sort of man.

She wouldn't be single, as she was in the real universe, and be quite content with it.

Nope.

See, that Uhura was a lie.

I know, because of all the times she was blatantly flirting with Spock, and he was illogically returning those flirtations.

WTF show were they watching? Seriously.

Gratuitous Orion Slave girl

So yeah... Kirk fucks green chicks. Except of course, he never did. Nope. Seriously watch Star Trek sometime, ok.

Some of us happened to know that, because some of us, yeah... guilty, we watched star trek.

We thought it was ... odd... it fit in it's own way, but odd, that he was messing around with the Orion, seemingly just to get at Uhura.

I mean they'd so far painted Kirk as a huge douchebag, but still, we clung to our old picture of Kirk pretty well and it seemed too out of place for him.

So they filmed more material showing that Kirk started the relationship with the Orion in order to gain access to the Kobayashi maru computer simulation so he could cheat so he could finally beat the friggin thing.

So, New-Kirk isn't just a womanizing cad! No SIR! He's a MANIPULATIVE womanizing cad. That's so much better!

Thanks Orci and Kurtzman! You've done such wonderful things for Star Trek!

Two Spocks, one room; no boom.

When Kirk asks Senile Spock why he won't come with him to the enterprise, he heavily implies it's because he can't meet his younger self without making the universe implode in on itself. Considering how bad this new timeline is, I think that would be the best thing really but, I digress.

At the end of the movie, the senile old bastard goes and introduces himself to himself.

And nothing happens.

Ok so... uh, 'writers', get yourself out of this corner.

Oh you read that according to more recent theories, which TNG, and DS9 writers knew about, and incorporated into their time travel eps, time travel can just create parallell universes where you can kill your own grandpa and nothing bad will happen?

Yeah, we knew that, we'd been watching trek for the last 40 years.

Why didn't Spock seem to know that? Was he lying to young kirk? Is Spock as senile as Nimoy clearly is?

Yea yea, I know it won't actually cause anything to blow up, at most it causes an odd paradox.

I watched Yesterdays Enterprise.

I know who Sela is.

I saw 'cause and effect'

I saw Trials and Tribble-ations.

And every other friggin' show that dealt with time travel and different universes that were created by time travel.

I get it.

You obviously don't.

Spock seemed to think it would destroy the universe.

You established that it may.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT IF YOU KNEW IT WOULDN'T?

I know; you only wanted young Kirk and Scotty going back to the ent, I get that too.

But, there are many different ways to come up with a way to leave old Spock behind. None of which involve IMPLYING THAT OLD SPOCK MEETING YOUNG SPOCK WOULD DESTROY THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM.

Note further; that despite the fact that a NEW universe is created, it has a nasty habit of rewriting the established universe, and this tends to create all sorts of horrible things that need to be corrected by further time travel so that some semblance of the original history is preserved. For sanity's sake at the very least.

Jebus it's amazing how much more ignorant you sound trying to come up with ways not to sound totally ignorant of trek.