why Star Trek XI was an abomination

After taking a few days to get over my post-tramatic stress disorder from seeing the new star trek film, I've decided to honestly review the film without picking the standard Trekkie nits.

That is to say, that just like the movie did, I'm going to abandon every single thing I know about star trek.

I don't need to be a canon obsessed crazy trekkie nerd to pick apart this movie, I just need to be a fan of well written well directed movies.
Which is something I also happen to be.

I plan on taking bits I can recall that makes this movie bad and exposing it to the light of reason. It's not going to be pretty.

First off; it's a mindless action flick. Trek has never been, nor should it ever again be, a mindless action franchise. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy a mindless action movie, I truly can. Seriously, I enjoyed independence day. How much more mindless can one get? They have their place, they serve a purpose... but...

Let's look at the simple word 'trek' and how it separates it from star wars as a simple and very classic example. We know what someone means when they say trek or wars whether they put a childish 'vs' in there or not. We know how vastly different the two are. Whether you're a fan of one or of both; you'd be hard pressed to make a case (until now) that between the two franchises, Trek was the least thoughtful, and most action oriented of the two.

Trek dealt with reality through fiction, trek, as the word itself implies, was about the journey. Wars was, unsurprisingly, about a literal WAR between good and evil, nothing more and nothing less.

Throwing out canon and continuity is only insulting to hardcore trekkies who even know what's being thrown out to begin with.

Throwing out what trek has always been about is insulting to trek itself. Scratch that, it's beyond insulting. It threatens to destroy what trek has been about for 40 years. I'm not nearly as upset about minor canon and continuity infractions as I am about this prospect. The prospect of trek becoming nothing more than mindless entertainment gives me nightmares. Because if trek goes down this dark path, I really won't have much left. Occasionally I may hope to be surprised by a decent film or TV show, and of course, I've always got books to keep me company...

But if trek becomes what this movie seems to indicate; then truly, trek as it has been is over. The Borg of the American idle variety will have assimilated it to their collective. And no, I didn't just misspell something, I choose my words carefully.

So, before anyone actually started writing or coming up with visual effects for the new movie, they screwed everything up. Simply by deciding it was going to be an action flick where the good guys win because good triumphs over evil, Star Trek itself was violated.

The movie starts off attempting to establish that everything you may have known about star trek is null and void. The problems with this scene are many, and indicate the problems with the movie as a whole.

When the huge Romulan mining ship shows up, it opens fire on a tiny Starfleet ship called the Kelvin. This moment, we're told to believe from on high (From J.J.Abrams), is the moment which changes the timeline.

The problem with this, is that the Kelvin was already breaking with canon and continuity in at least 10 different ways BEFORE history becomes altered.

But, that's just canon.

I'm going to focus on the non-canon issues. I'm going to focus on what makes this movie, as a movie in and of itself, stupid. And how that alone is enough for us to band together as trek fans, to ensure that never again shall we be subjected to such mindlessness under the name of Star Trek!

Let's start out with what I've actually heard people praise. The characters are left intact.

Really? Let's examine that shall we. I won't bring up canon, I'll just tell you how the characters are portrayed in this movie, and you can use whatever knowledge you may have about the characters to determine how false this is.

Kirk is shown as an easily lead, maladjusted sociopath. He's handed instant gratification time and time again, and never has to pay any price for the choices he makes. He never once bats an eyelash over anyone's death, friend or foe. And, despite the fact that he was about to be kicked out of the academy before graduating for cheating, he's given full promotion to CAPTAIN (follow me, that's six full ranks in what can be no more than a few days at most) and given command of the Enterprise, to boss around people he went to the academy with, who actually managed to pass without cheating, and joined because they felt the need, not on a dare as he did.

Spock is a halfbreed torn between two worlds. However, he's reassured by his father immediately after deciding to join starfleet that it's ok, and so has no real reason to be torn at all anymore. He's highly logical, but also apparently none too accomplished at emotional control, even BEFORE his planet is blown up.

Bones likes to gripe. They got bones down, and got a great actor. However, they failed to offer any sort of insight into why he's such a grouch, especially at such a young age. You'd think it would be a good time to explore it, what with it being during his academy days and directly after.

Uhura is a good looking black chick in a tight red mini dress and go-go boots with a silver funky hearing aid. She's also Spocks plaything, and apparently has no idea how to handle herself.

Sulu is a fantastic pilot... who doesn't know how to take the parking break off. He thinks fencing is advanced combat training, and also apparently thinks fencing doesn't refer specifically to European fencing but applies to any hollywood version of what a generic asian sword art may look like.

Scotty is a wiry redhead with an overly emotive accent and manners who conducts wild experiments with a lack of technical data and gets banished for them. He's very fond of telling a small troll to get down from places. He doesn't seem terribly ready to fight if you insult anything he takes pride in.

Chekov is a 'wiz kid' with an accent thicker than you've ever heard who's too old to possibly be the same Chekov from the original series. It must be his older brother, who happens to have the exact same name as the character we're familiar with.

If you've ever watched the original series, or the movies, you'd know that none of these descriptions sound terribly familiar, outside of McCoy.

YET! They all do interact as if they have personalities completely contrary to the ones they're portraying. How nifty!

Now, here's some plot details that don't make the grade either.

Lets start with the big bad and his big bad ship; Nero and his mining ship from the future...

Ok, look, I know the Romulans have a fetish for Earth's ancient Rome, but Nero? And, is this what people are going on about when they say J.J. Abrams likes to put 'hidden messages' in the crap he produces? Oh, how clever; Nero watched Rome burn, so this one watched Romulus burn, then he'll watch Vulcan and Earth burn... meanwhile the script and direction is so bad, J.J. has been watching star trek itself burn.

Is this J.J.'s idea or the two hack writers who claim to be trek fans? To my knowledge, not a single Romulan character has had a name of a Roman person. The Romulan culture reeks of Rome; but their names don't. Nero as the bad guy? Oh how original! Lets demonize the guy named Nero!

And again with these two writers saying they're trek fans? Is it them or JJ who decided the Romulans in this movie look NOTHING like the established romulan looks? This isn't canon! This isn't me not letting go of what's supposed to be new! Follow me; this ship is from the timeline we know, yes? Ok, when did romulans lose their ridges? When did they decide not to wear the pointy bangs? When did they decide to get tatoos and shave their heads? Is that just a mining thing? That just adds confusion where none need be added.

Speaking of miners... What's up with the Romulan STAR EMPIRE? One star goes nova, wipes out two planets, and there's no more empire? Where's the romulan fleet? All in orbit of Romulus, picking their noses and wondering if they should do anything about their star about to go nova?
This isn't canon; this is the movie. They introduce the concepts and right away if you're paying attention, you've got to wonder... a single mining ship is all that's left of the Romulans????

A single mining ship and a miner named Nero is going to take it upon himself to change history?

Then for 25 years do nothing but wait around for Spock?

Then not make his move for at least another 4 years after Spock shows up?

He destroys a starfleet ship, supposedly THE moment the timeline changes; and for almost 30 years, starfleet doesn't retaliate?

He stays pissed off all this time? His crew does too? He maintains that huge ship and crew for an entire generation all on his own without any help at all?

I mean really, he didn't even think: hey maybe if I go to the the Romulan Empire as it exists in the past, with my extremely advanced technology, I can install myself as ruler, ensure the star never goes nova, AND have a fleet to back me up when I go to destroy Vulcan and Earth?

No.

He waits around for 25 years for Spock to show up. So he can calmly take his ship, his red matter, which is never explained in the slightest, an then maroon the old man on Hoth?

The movie mentions he starts crap with the Klingons.

Where are they? And, why would he stir up trouble with the Klingons at all?

A single MINING SHIP is too much for either Starfleet or the Klingons to try and face unless it shows up, lowers it's retarded drill and drips a bit of red matter into THE CORE OF THE PLANET?

Even then, just send in some cadets... the real starfleeters are busy. With what preytell? What's so important that the fact that two founding worlds of the federation itself are about to be wiped out seems rather trifling to you?

Of course, mining to the core of a planet isn't going to create any changes to the planet on it's own, you have to drop some sort of mystery goo in there. Right?

And why the hell does the stupid drill have to be in the atmosphere? Just so there can be a platform where you can have a fight scene that requires a parachute scene and another pointless death scene?

I'm just supposed to accept all this?

Just like I'm supposed to accept that young Spock strands Kirk on the same planet that Nero stranded old Spock on? And how that JUST SO HAPPENS to be the same planet Scotty was exiled to?

And how Scotty JUST SO HAPPENS to be there because of a transwarp experiment gone awry, and he couldn't figure out why... but it also JUST SO HAPPENS that Spock knows the exact mathematical reason why...

None of this is remotely trek. When trek asks us to accept something that's hard to accept, they usually try to set it up beforehand, or at the very least, make sure that it's only one or two things per movie, which can be easily explained away due to nothing more than our knowledge of the trek universe and our ability to make right what seems out of place, so long as the story is good enough to compel us to jump through such hoops.

Every scene in this movie asks us to accept the unacceptable. Not even on a canon or universe continuity level; but on the level of trying to take this movie as it's own entity, wholly seperate from everything Trek we've ever known.

It asks us this by dangling a pretty light show and another nifty action sequence before our eyes. As if we're infants or cats. As if we won't notice detail, cohesion or pesky things like character development.

It asks us to ignore canon and continuity, then attempts ham fisted homages and half-assed tips of the hat to canon and continuity throughout the entire film.

We're trekkies.

You don't have to be a slave to canon...

But try to write a story that's at least self consistent and makes some sense!